just a fool.
yesterday was just
horrible. I had to take in news that were too much for me to handle. not in less than a day. but nonetheless, it was only the right way to get me started on giving up.
your actions prove to me that I'm just none other than a back up plan. it's just too obvious for you to deny. well what can I say anyway. all I know now, is that it's time to let go.
the worse thing I did ytd was to take out my old phone and read through our old conversations, I swear that hurt a lot. but it made me realize, what a fool I was. honestly I don't know if I should be angry, sad, or even laugh at myself.
now I know, where it all went wrong, it wasn't only just me, it was you too. all those times I blamed no one else but myself, hah, I should've known.
I wish you could've told me though. I wish you didn't say all those things you said behind my back. I wish, that this was all but a dream.
I guess there's no use to look back at the past but focus on the future. who knows, we may still end up as friends, no high hopes on that though. all that's left is our memories. good or bad, they would be remembered.
时间到了，应该放弃。我相信你不会不舍得。I wish you the best of luck, friend.
Monday, January 27, 2014 (8:12 PM)
够了。
now I know, now I know how little I am to you. I should've known. or rather I already knew, I just didn't believe myself. all these things, I did for you. it means nothing to you, right? 2 hours, I waited. but all the effort was in vain. she's back, I'll slowly, bit by bit, let go.
I'm just a spare tire. I can see it in the way you reply. don't ask me how, I just know. like I said, if it's her, I don't mind. tell me, even if it hurts, I'll wish you two the best. you don't know how much it hurts to see you online and offline countless of times, ignoring my texts. by there's just this much I can do. the rest is your decision. but I have to promise myself, after today, I will, try my best, not to shed a single tear, for you. I'm reaching my limit. there's just that much I can take. letting go is a form of love too. I guess. maybe it's time to let go.
Monday, December 16, 2013 (8:03 PM)
-
have you ever come to a point in your life where you don't even know the reason of your existence?
well, I'm in this phase.
I know this isn't the right way and it definitely isn't the mature way to think, but to me, for now, it's the best solution.
i know my situation is just like a small fly compared to what others have been through, but, I'm not a strong person. I break down easily, fall too hard, hurt myself eventually.
so I came to this point, thinking that not being around, would definitely solve most of my problems. perhaps I'm just running away, but I'd rather run, than go through this every single day.
the past few days was like living hell, I can't describe the amount of tears I've let out, the amount of frustration that built up in me and most importantly the amount of disappointment I have in both myself and, you.
"you apologise too easily" yeah, I guess I know why. I apologise even though I may not be the one that's totally in the wrong, because I don't mind putting down my ego, just to save a friendship. that's how much it means to me. though it kinda seems redundant, I did what I could. the rest is up to you.
as for relationships, yes I know 16 is young. too young. but what can I do?
I know I've hurt you a lot in the past, I know I can never experience even 1/10 of what you did, I know I'd probably won't be able to make it up to you, I know you suffered, a lot. I know you're scared, I know your trust in me is gone, but my gut feeling tells me that, there isn't 0 chance.
what should I do, what can I do. I tried, I tried to ask you out to catch up, I tried to show you my care, I tried to ensure you a better future, I tried, to have another chance of making you happy. but in return, all you did was reject my gestures.
but I don't blame you, I blame myself instead. maybe all that has happened was just my interpretation, just my imagination. maybe there really is 0 chance. and maybe, maybe karma is running towards me.
no matter how hard I try to assure you, it doesn't work. maybe you're right, I missed my chance. and I doubt I'd ever get it back again. looking at my phone, reading old conversations, pictures taken at the start of the year, all these, will only be memories. both good and bad, they're memories. and I guess, it will just stay there.
one day, I'll become numb to this feeling, but on that day, I don't know what would happen.
I'm tired, I don't know what has happened to us, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to get over this, but you're gone. as much as I can't accept that fact, I doubt you'd return. though I wish you would, I guess you'd have a happier life without me in it. it hurts real bad, It really does. you deserve better, much better. 你已经远远离开，我也会慢慢走开。but remember, if you ever need, someone, just someone to be your listening ear, I'm here. I'll always be here. till then, takecare.
Sunday, December 8, 2013 (8:31 PM)
family.
"who knows you better than your family?"
mum,
you may laugh at her for her actions but you don't know a thing she has gone through. she may be stronger than you can ever be and you choose to judge her. sometimes her daughter does wonder, if she's even half as strong as her. if it happened to her instead, how would it hit her? She'd probably give up on everything. but no, her mother has that faith. faith that everything will be fine. she neither lets fear nor worry trouble her. and that's because she knows all of us support her. but all she ever wanted was for her daughter to spend more time with her.
dad,
you may not know, how much he's sacrificed for his family. the countless number of hours he gives up just to accompany his wife and just to send his children to school, to anywhere, even if it's just the nearby train station. just to make his wife feel better, he provides everything he can give. going the extra mile just to get his family's favourite food and making sure their tummies are filled. the main pillar of strength in his family. going all out just to make sure his family is safe, even if it risks his own life. sacrificial love isn't it? all he ever wanted was his daughter to come home earlier.
brother,
it's kinda complicated when he's at this age. prolly no one in the family understands what he's going through. though there are many quarrels, he still cares. he's gone through hell but he's still strong. though he may not show it, his parents & sister are his main priorities. helping out at home with chores when he's at home when no one's free, getting food for his mum whenever she's hungry. sacrificing time with his friends just to do all these little but meaningful things for his family, a role model to me. all he ever wanted was his sister to be more sensible.
daughter,
but it all boils down to her. what has she done for the family? or actually what good has she done? constantly causing her parents to worry, not lifting a finger to help at home nor sacrificing a little just to help her family members out. she's too caught up with going out, having fun, leading a more or less carefree life. but never did she think about just spending a day at home, accompanying her mum. or helping her brother out by walking a little to pass him his notes. or even setting off a little earlier, coming home a little earlier so her dad doesn't have to worry about where she's at or what she's doing. just a simple act like dropping a single text to tell her parents where she's going or what time she's going home, she didn't a feel a need to do it. it's kinda ironic isn't it? the person facing the least problems, is causing most of the problems to her family. sometimes she wonders, what would her family be like, if she didn't exist? honestly, she felt that life for them would be much better. but she knew that they didn't want her to think that way.
a family's love can't merely be described with words. but actions.
so she promised herself, to try to undo all the hurt, all the pain she's caused. and to be a better family member. because she knows, even if all else fails, her family will always be there for her.
Labels: .
Wednesday, November 6, 2013 (5:05 AM)
05/10/13
I love whales.aunt gave me this cause it reminded her of my whatsapp info!!
say yay because...
there's only 2 more papers to the end of o's!! hell yea right? no more staying up all night to burn midnight oil nor trying to find seats in the library!!!! but im having mixed feelings about the end of o's though. should I be happy that it's gonna end or sad that choices have to be done after? nonetheless, I still have to give in my all for the 2 papers left: POA, and science mcq. Poa makes me really vexed especially when I can't balance the damn figures!!! the worst thing is, I am really careless when it comes to calculations. (kinda should have thought about that before choosing poa as one of my subjects) So, I hope that I'd be extra awake and careful on Thursday -prays diligently-
Phy/Chem mcq is on Monday, 11th, my last day of o's -jumps in the air- (*^_^*)
although I didn't do my best for my papers, I'm glad it's better than my prelims! (hopefully). so pls pray for my results, I'll love you guys to bits!!!
so here are some pics of the past week(s):
@ my house with Trisha :)
Halloween with Trisha & Vivian *\(^o^)/*
study date with Trisha *.*
short meet up with jasmine!
Labels: awaiting
Monday, November 4, 2013 (8:33 AM)
distance.
plucking up the courage, to just let everything settle down. not doing anything but distancing myself from some people. I'm not gonna do this because you guys made mistakes, but myself, making everything go wrong. knowing it all from the start, yet pushing myself closer, that's kinda dumb ain't it? harsh truth came in today and I really appreciated it. I needed it actually. not being able to realise what I've done wrong; and someone guiding me, giving me advices was something I really needed. well, everyone gets tired eventually right? this would prolly be the best way to let everything go back to it's original place, I might get really.. hurt. but at least the people around me would feel better. that's a good sacrifice to make isn't it? once it's all over, maybe things would get even better than what they were before, maybe. I'm sorry if this is all too sudden, but it has to be done. I'm sorry.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013 (8:19 AM)
ending?
why does everything have to come to an end nowadays? can't things just carry on? things can work out, can't they? leaving solves no problem and in turn, creates new ones. don't you think god lets people meet for a reason, and here we are, separating ourselves from what we are set to be. or maybe I'm just too naive, thinking that everything has a good ending. caring for the people that matter to you, sometimes might get tiring. but it's because of your love & concern that you do right? not getting appreciated for this really.... sucks doesn't it? knowing that you are worried if they mistreat themselves, doesn't make much of a difference. so what if you care? so what if you get affected if someone's not fine? your efforts would be in vain anyway. I'm tired of being unappreciated. tired of always getting the blame. tired of giving in. if I'm important to you, you'd want me in your life, that's all I have to say.
Monday, June 24, 2013 (8:51 AM)
OLD 
Joanna Loh.
