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have you ever come to a point in your life where you don't even know the reason of your existence?
well, I'm in this phase.
I know this isn't the right way and it definitely isn't the mature way to think, but to me, for now, it's the best solution.
i know my situation is just like a small fly compared to what others have been through, but, I'm not a strong person. I break down easily, fall too hard, hurt myself eventually.
so I came to this point, thinking that not being around, would definitely solve most of my problems. perhaps I'm just running away, but I'd rather run, than go through this every single day.
the past few days was like living hell, I can't describe the amount of tears I've let out, the amount of frustration that built up in me and most importantly the amount of disappointment I have in both myself and, you.
"you apologise too easily" yeah, I guess I know why. I apologise even though I may not be the one that's totally in the wrong, because I don't mind putting down my ego, just to save a friendship. that's how much it means to me. though it kinda seems redundant, I did what I could. the rest is up to you.
as for relationships, yes I know 16 is young. too young. but what can I do?
I know I've hurt you a lot in the past, I know I can never experience even 1/10 of what you did, I know I'd probably won't be able to make it up to you, I know you suffered, a lot. I know you're scared, I know your trust in me is gone, but my gut feeling tells me that, there isn't 0 chance.
what should I do, what can I do. I tried, I tried to ask you out to catch up, I tried to show you my care, I tried to ensure you a better future, I tried, to have another chance of making you happy. but in return, all you did was reject my gestures.
but I don't blame you, I blame myself instead. maybe all that has happened was just my interpretation, just my imagination. maybe there really is 0 chance. and maybe, maybe karma is running towards me.
no matter how hard I try to assure you, it doesn't work. maybe you're right, I missed my chance. and I doubt I'd ever get it back again. looking at my phone, reading old conversations, pictures taken at the start of the year, all these, will only be memories. both good and bad, they're memories. and I guess, it will just stay there.
one day, I'll become numb to this feeling, but on that day, I don't know what would happen.
I'm tired, I don't know what has happened to us, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to get over this, but you're gone. as much as I can't accept that fact, I doubt you'd return. though I wish you would, I guess you'd have a happier life without me in it. it hurts real bad, It really does. you deserve better, much better. 你已经远远离开，我也会慢慢走开。but remember, if you ever need, someone, just someone to be your listening ear, I'm here. I'll always be here. till then, takecare.
Sunday, December 8, 2013 (8:31 PM)
Joanna Loh.
